She’s suffering from a detached rectum

1. We could stand here and talk until the cows turn blue.
2. You could have knocked me over with a fender.
3. He was watching me like I was a hawk.
4. I’ll get it by hook or ladder.
5. They’re diabolically opposed.
6. He received a decease and desist order.
7. I wouldn’t eat that with a ten-foot pole.
8. I shot the wind out of his saddle.
9. He’s not the one with his ass in a noose.
10. It’s all moth-eared.
11. I can read him like the back of my book.
12. From now on, I’m watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.
13. These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.
14. It’s time to grab the bull by the tail and look him in the eye
15. It sticks out like a sore throat.
16. You can’t go in there cold turkey with egg on your face.

Found at jimcarlton.com

I never said most of the things I said

And nobody could mix a metaphor like Yogi Berra.

1. The future ain’t what it used to be.
2. If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
3. In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
4. If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
5. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
6. If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.
7. You can observe a lot by just watching.
8. We made too many wrong mistakes.
9. I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.
10. It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.
11. It gets late early out there.
12. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
13. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
14. If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
15. I wish I had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering that question
16. It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
17. Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.
18. It’s pretty far, but it doesn’t seem like it.
19. There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.
20. It’s like deja-vu, all over again.
21. If people aren’t gonna come to the ball park, how can you stop  them.
22. Pair up in threes.
23. In golfing, half of the putts that are too short never make it in.
24. Batting is 90% mental. The other half is physical.
25. Everybody line up in alphabetical order according to height.
26. All pitchers are liars or crybabies.
27. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
28. I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?
29. The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
30. It ain’t over till it’s over.
31. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

Found at BrainyQuote

Like two ships sinking in the night

1. It is better to light a candle than to curse how many it takes to screw in a light-bulb
2. That’ll stick out like a red herring.
3. Don’t look a whore’s gift in the mouth.
4. We’ll drive off of that bridge when we get to it.
5. We’ll burn that bridge when we cross it.
6. Close the barn door after you’ve led the horse to water.
7. There’s more that one way to skin the cat out of the bag.
8. He who hesitates hasn’t leapt first.
9. Early to bed and late to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys.
10. You can give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but those who can’t fish, teach
11. Don’t carry all your tunes in one bucket
12. I’m living life in the turn lane.
13. A rose by any other name smells after 3 days
14. Stop to consider the lilies; seize the daisies
15. If the shoe fits, it is on the other foot
16. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single foot in the mouth
17. You’ll be laughing out of the other side of next week.
18. One man’s mate is another man’s bison.
19. If wishes were horses, beggars would eat like French kings.
20. If a tree falls on a mime, does it make a sound?
21. If you hang around a barbershop long enough, sooner or later you will get fleas.
22. Misery loves strange bedfellows.
23. A bird in the hand is better than a gift horse in the mouth.
24. He who laughs last has the best medicine.
25. Wake up and spill the beans.
26. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it a duck.
27. Married at the hip
28. That’s the nail that broke the coffin’s back.
29. I’m between a rock and the frying pan.
30. You can’t pull my wool over the ice!
31. If you can’t cut the cheese you’re out of here!
32. The squeaky wheel gets the worm.
33. Out of the frying pan, into a handbasket.
34. Hit the wall running.
35. You can lead a horse of a different color to water, but you can’t look in his mouth.
36. Keep your nose on the ball.
37. He has an ace up his hole
38. Even a leopard can’t change its spots in the middle of a stream.
39. I don’t need a compass to tell which way the wind shines.
40. A few beers short of a happy meal.
41. A few tacos short of a six-pack.
42. People who live in glass houses may as well get up and answer the door!
43. People who live in glass houses should get dressed in the basement.
44. Fake it till the fat lady sings.
45. You catch more flies spinning your wheels.
46. The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
47. The skeleton in the closet has come home to roost!

Found at StraightDope.com (and #47 is apparently from Tom Stoppard’s play The Real Inspector Hound)

Die on the fence

1. Walking a thin cliff
2. Drowning in a field of opportunity
3. Stepping up to the plate and grabbing the bull by the horns
4. The spur of the hat
5. Laying all of the cards on the line
6. The storm of protest was nipped in the bud
7. A dollar late and a day short
8. Hitting the nail right between the eyes
9. Grab the bull by the horns and run with it
10. That’s got deja vu written all over it!
11. Clapping at the top of your lungs!
12. Man, I’m really up against the 8 ball!
13. He’ll be all over you like white on a cheap suit.
14. Don’t beat a dead horse in the mouth!
15. We could stand here and talk until the cows turn blue in the face.
16. I wouldn’t be caught dead there with a ten-foot pole.
17. He’s burning the midnight oil from both ends.

Found at ExecutivePastorOnline.com

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
9. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
25. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Found at Snopes.com.  These entries were all taken from the Washington Post‘s long-running “Style Invitational” feature, which twice (in 1995 and again in 1999) invited readers to come up with and submit “lame” and “painfully bad” analogies.  They were never actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

Beware the ice of March

1. Man without God is like a fish without a bicycle.
2. When in Rome, make lemonade
3. He who lives in a glass house should not try to kill two birds with one stone
4. It’s not rocket surgery
5. He who is without sin shouldn’t live in glass houses

From WOAI.com (#3 is from Vladimir Nabokov’s Pnin)

Going in with both feet blazing

1. Does the Pope crap in the woods?
2. If we pull this off we’ll be in Nevada
3. He’s a wolf in cheap clothing
4. A friend in time saves nine
5. We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it
6. Mutton dressed as lizard
7. you can’t make an omelet without bacon and eggs
8. It’s a recipe waiting to happen
9. Sometimes you shoot your foot off to spite your face.
10. If it can’t be done today, don’t wait until tomorrow.
11. I’m sweating like a bullet.
12. Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.
13. We’re having this meeting to make sure all our ducks are on the same page.
14. Yeah, I’ve got a lot of black sheep in my closet.
15. You don’t want to put all your legs under one blanket.
16. Call me back at your least convenience.
17. It’s six of one and one of the other.
18. I can’t do it in the spur of a hat.
19. I don’t want to run any flags up the telephone pole.
20. You know I’m just pulling your lamb?
21. I’ve been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off.
22. This has been a red herring around our necks.
23. Like water through a duck’s ass.
24. We’re treading on thin water here.
25. Knock it off before I beat you with a dead horse!!!
26. I don’t want to go out on a limb and shoot myself in the foot.
27. I’ve just got my feet in too many pies right now.
28. Gee, we haven’t been here since the last time.
29. ‘I see,’ said the blind man to the fly.
30. You can argue until your eyeteeth turn blue in the face.
31. I swear on my dog’s breakfast!
32. This library attracts deaf patrons like a siren’s song!
33. Don’t bite the mouth that feeds you.
34. I keep telling you these things, but you keep turning a blind cheek to it.
35. Screaming like a chicken with its head cut off.
36. I hope I haven’t used a sledgehammer to teach my grandmother to suck eggs.
37. She was born with a silver spoon up her ass.
38. This guy’s sharp as a cookie.
39. I beat it like a red-headed mule!!
40. Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.
41. I think you hit the nose right on the head.
42. Putting all our eggs in one boat
43. Too much salt under the bridge
44. A whistling women gathers no moss
45. A stitch in time is a friend indeed
46. The world is your lobster
47. The world is my hamster
48. You cant polish a turd…but you can roll it in glitter
49. Kill a thousand stones with one fish
50. Don’t count your lucky chickens

All these were found at SingleTrack (#9 through #41 are apparently courtesy of Scott Adams/Dilbert)